A Reflective Writing after an Authentic movement Personal Practice:
I begin the practice not knowing how things will unfold. After some walking around the room, I notice I have the need to connect to my legs, but I am unaware how to make it happen. I bend down and place my hands on my head. I find a position where my elbows are relaxed on my thighs, and my hands are holding my jaws. My palms are placed on my jaw supporting the head to go a bit forward. This unconsciously discovered position, pulling my head slightly forward, causes sharp pain in the back of the neck. The muscles around the vertebras feel very tight and pulling the head in this position makes it feel as if they want to crack, but they cannot. I am certain if I do an abrupt movement involving my neck, this could cause a neck spasm. I stayed there and slowly increased the pressure of the weight my hands created. I waited for the muscles around the vertebras to loosen from holding so tightly. It feels as if the spine elongates and space between these bones is finally allowed.
I decide to come up. When I do, I feel an immediate grounding through the feet and centering within my soma. The pulling of the head made a great difference for me and I was surprised by it. My feet now feel very soft. After moving for some time, I decide to come back again to the same position. This time my neck is not as stiff and I do not experience pain. However, I begin to observe how the upper spine is connected to the feet. Pulling my head, creates pulling from upper neck, down through the spine, all the way to the feet. I feel threads of nerves being pulled from my neck through lower back, calves and then the feet. Feet are tingling. I stay there for some time breathing. When I come up, I experience again the softness and relaxation of the muscles of the feet. They give me a sensation I am at home.
The first part of the practice comes to an end and we come to a sharing circle. I do not hear anyone speaking. I feel I cannot arrive in the physical world. I allow myself to be in this space and recognize I have to relax in it. I agree to it and allow myself to be here. I simply cannot engage with anyone or anything, but this sensation. I realize this is the unknown space where things emerge from. I let my head be confused and not knowing what exactly is happening. I engage as little as possible with others and remain silent. Authentic Movement really makes me to enter in this space. It predisposes my nervous system to relax and the parasympathetic nervous system to come to the forefront. I cannot process what others are saying when I am in it. Usually, I am afraid I may get lost in the unknown, but this time I feel connected enough to my soma to not go back into this fear so quickly.
While the others speak, I observe my internal state of unknown sensations. I notice, the difference between getting lost in the unknown and being with it, lies within the ability to remain connected to the soma (especially Hara, and spine/ back body) when experiencing it. For me the lower body/ back body provides an instinctive presence that is capable of containing my inner processes. It assists me in remaining present without being lost or flooded by the unconscious. I realized the body position I found in the practice probably supported that containment. It connected me to Hara itself and the feet- all that through accessing the spine.
We go back to a moving circle. I am not adequate enough to be a witness. Therefore, I chose to remain a mover (in an AM practice one can choose whether they want to be a “witness”or a “mover”). I sit on the ground and I feel the need to anchor myself in Hara. I sit with crossed legs and put my hands on it. Initially, I move in circular motion to the left, but then I realize I need to minimize movement to connect more internally. I stay there in stillness when I remember about my spine. I start bending my head, neck and upper back up and down. Doing the movements, I immediately feel the anchoring within Hara. The movements travel down to the sacrum (the back side of Hara). Continuing the motion, I suddenly start to perceive a strong sense of my inner spine – from the head to the sacrum. The inner side feels like a long thread or snake and at the same time like a powerful anchoring point. I am surprised to feel this is as anchoring because I am used to believing the middle of my lower belly is my centre. This feels as another centre, closer to the back surface. It gathered all my scattered energy into this line of movement. I start exploring circles with my head, pulling neck and jaw muscles in all directions I can, opening the mouth to stretch and open space in neck muscles. Simultaneously, I aim to activate muscles surrounding my spine by moving shoulder blades, shoulders and twisting my back laterally from side to side.
I am not aware of thoughts or emotions. My mind fights with me not being able to identify what is occurring emotionally. I notice my mind is judging “where are your feelings, you have to have feelings… come on! Find them!”. A panic protrudes underneath. It somehow wants them to be found through something familiar, through something it already knows of. I identify a fear from staying in the unknown, from the lack of control. There is lack of trust the new will emerge from the “not knowing”. The mind wants to restrict my feelings, put them in the cage of the “known”- all this because of the fear. This is perhaps the first fear I encounter when trying to connect to Hara. It takes time to let go of the control in the mind and bring myself back to my centre.
Nothing seems to be coming to me from the emotional realm. However, the experience I am having is emerging from the “unknown” and comes through the physical body. Unconscious impulses have the need to come and they can come only through the soma, through embodiment. In moments when the unconscious has flooded me too much, I cannot identify feelings underneath. I cannot connect this experience to anything. The pressure from my mind is perhaps the very reason why I cannot connect it to anything. Accessing the soma and allowing energy to express through it brings me back to the present reality in a way that surrounds the “knowing” mind. With or without knowing, it is a form of rejuvenation.
All this spine movements seemed to awaken my sacrum. After some time, I sensed the sacrum feels restored. A new energy has emerged. My eyes are ready to perceive the light, I am present, I can now engage with the physical world. Something I could not do minutes ago. I am ready to move away from this position and to explore how else my soma wants to move. I am ready to engage with the world and to come into contact with others.
There is indeed consciousness beyond this world, that is emerging from the unconscious and is part of it, but also has contact to the rational mind. It is consciousness seated within the pelvis, within the womb- Hara. It is perhaps the energetic presence or equivalent of the womb itself. It emerges from the unknown, similar to a star miraculously appearing from darkness. It stays there with awareness and instinct. It is stalking anything unknown striving to make it known by integrating it. It seeks to include what is not included to make it part of the conscious inner world. The womb provides a presence beyond this dimension and consciousness (inner witness) highly valuable and needed in order to live in this physical reality. I reassured myself once again that accessing this realm of consciousness and Hara can happen through the spine.
Being in the spine induces an introverted silence. This deeply internal silence comes as a result of coming back to this central line in the soma. It helps me get directly to my centre without fighting with the mind. The letting go of the mind’s control supports a profound somatic and emotional relaxation in me. It brings me to another level of existence. This silent relaxation evokes a special type of quiet consciousness… a quiet emerging life.