In one of the sessions, a participant had a similar experience where her controlling, but also fearful mind was afraid to let go. Finding AM as a new somatic approach, she felt self-conscious and uncertain. Unable to relax and trust her soma, she shared the control is within her neck.
Her experience really moved me reminding me of my control as a representation of the inner child. From my experience, control is an emotional side of the inner child that was not allowed to be conveyed and had to be swallowed for one reason or another. If a bodily impulse of a child is forbidden, it gets trapped within the ego mind (McGilchrist, 2010). A fearful soma feels it needs to protect itself. That spontaneous energy converts into control over the environment and internal unconscious.
After naming it and encouraging her that is ok for the control to be there, her soma tone evidently altered. She was moving around, changing levels, letting go. Her movements were beautiful and feminine. One can easily see her contemporary ballet technique protruding. There was a rhythm of releasing and stopping. A part of her was not ready to let go completely. Being contained in her expression, she was perhaps still self-conscious. Nonetheless, moving helped as she described feeling more released. Her sensations reminded her of a particular episode of her life:
“when I was 14-15 years, I was in a dance school and the teacher was really hard on me. One day I couldn’t get one step and she made me repeat it a lot of times in front of everyone. I remember that time I was feeling very small, small, small… So every time I feel like I am never good enough. So I feel like I need to control the mind… because I don’t know if I can trust my body… So it’s that fight. “
Her simple words perfectly described the battle between mind and body. Being an emotional person, she is very genuine and unadulterated in the way she conveys emotions. She simply has a feeling and translates it through words without knowing what it actually means. That gives her a very spontaneous and straightforward expression which I find admirable.
The soma seems to be unreliable. As it never lies, it cannot hide the essence of the protruding emotion. Granting it with freedom exposes one to be vulnerable by showing unconscious material. The ego does not want to believe it possesses such shameful feelings.
“It [the body] remains a “doubtful friend” in a way it betrays our rational intentions and embarrasses us with unwanted affect and unpredictable behaviours.”
Greene, 2001:568
Yet that is the most beautiful and vulnerable part of us all.
Connected to the emotional memory, I asked her whether there is something she wants to express to her teacher. Sensing instinctively, she may need some help, I gave an example with stabbing my foot and making a growling sound towards the imaginary teacher in front of us. Not really expecting her to take it immediately, the second I did it, she felt the right to do the same. Making big expressive movements with gestures, she made a couple of loud angry noises. Knowing her for so long, it was the first time I heard her voice so clearly loud and assertive. Embodying the emotion, she voiced her feelings through words saying:
“I am good enough, I can do it, don’t dare to talk to me like that! I am good, I am powerful, I can do this. I am here in London. You did not help me, but I am here. I can do it! Even though you made me feel so small and insignificant. But I am here now!”
Returning back to the past, the participant was able to react to her teacher. Defending herself, she realized she is not insignificant, but quite the contrary. The only thing standing in her way was her belief the teacher’s words were right. This type of anger was a reaction of being hurt. It liquefied the hardened control and self-consciousness to tears of realization of her worthiness.
This embodied metamorphosis deeply touched me. I have always found her emotionality very infectious. This time was no different.
Participant’s Reflection:
Being able to participate in this project has allowed me to discover a part of myself that I have been hiding for many years and I almost forgot it was there. At the beginning of the session I was excited yet nervous to see where it would take me. I started by closing my eyes, which helped me to focus on Yoana’s voice. Following her voice was easy until I could felt a certain confrontation between letting go and controlling what was happening inside me. It is always the same fight: mind against body. To silence the voice in my mind and to simply trust my body has always been a challenge for me, even as a dancer. In the middle of the session my anxiety started. I tried to hold it and just focus on Yoana’s voice, but it was difficult. Thinking of my breath helped me to go back to my body. As soon as I started talking and explaining how I was feeling that sensation became less constant. Moving with my eyes closed and letting my body go was an incredible experience. I did not have to force anything because I allowed everything to come. Sometimes I would just lay on the floor and breathe, other time I would move some parts of my body. There was a breaking point nearly at the end of the session when I felt a mix of overwhelming emotions. On one hand, a part of me wanted to follow Yoana and stop controlling and surrender while on the other hand, a part of me was holding onto the control. Yoana suggested I used my voice to let go and my legs to hit strongly the floor. I believe that opened something in me. It was like to recover the voice I thought I lost. It was such a powerful and vulnerable moment: through screaming and crying I let go all the resentment I had for one of my ballet teachers. I used my anger and my power to fight for the 16-year- old me who was being bullied and psychological abused by her ballet teacher. I felt a powerful source of energy releasing through my screaming. I was feeling everything I felt when I was younger: fear, shame, sadness, embarrassment, anxiety yet this time I felt powerful because I have overcome it.