In a process of AM I often encounter the fear of starting to move. Thoughts such as “what do I feel”, “is this the right thing I need to do”, “is this an impulse from within?”, “should I start now?”, “how do I start?” completely impede the flow of energy. Constant doubting as to what is right or wrong, how something is made, who is watching, can I let go, how much should I let go, is it too much, too little? Every single spontaneous impulse seems to be judged, criticised, devalued… by the end, the entire experience acquires a meaningless mood wanting me to give up at all. Spending lots of time in this hesitant space, frustration begins to surge making me explode of the suppressed emotionality that has always been judged for what it is. Accumulated anger towards holding, and holding, and holding… rises to the surface like a steaming boiling water. Expressive movements with arms and legs and growling sounds seem to release the tension. Stabbing with a right leg I start feeling discontent towards the parent voice inserted within my head whispering– “shhh, be quiet! Stay still, don’t express anything from within…”. That additionally enrages me, calling upon even stronger forces from deep within. Becoming the emotion, I acquire clarity in an instant. I felt for a second a fear of letting it go. On the verge of not doing so and regressing into self-pity I realize I need to choose between emotional empowering or giving up. It is a choice of letting go the old and embracing an unknown new. Definitely not easy. A gateway on which I have stood many times practicing moving towards the unknown. It is a process of integration that requires numerous embodiments especially when the trauma is that deeply implemented.
My soma is in readiness to jump. Impulses and growling coming from the core (dantian) feel they have been suppressed for so long they demand their rightful place. A positive energy substitutes the negative mindset. Angry masculine energy unleashes its dissatisfaction towards the constant self-punishment (a form of self-pitying). The soma shows determination to attack the invisible enemy. That whole movement allows me to embody my decisiveness to follow emotion. Integrating it becomes a part of my strength and clarity. Becoming a scary beast unleashes flux of energy. A part of me becomes happy and ecstatic as if saying “YES!” to rush of energy. Finally embodying it! Finally seeing the truth! It is not about thinking what to do and how to do it. It is about acknowledging the soma which feels frustrated underneath, but my ego never seems to include its experiences! Judgments towards having a frustration perfectly added to the problem. Admitting the anger underneath made me step out of the self-pitying mode completely shifting my consciousness. An integrated and fuller version of myself is now more awake and available. My ego self is more inclusive of the soma and archetypes arising from it.
A repetition of this will occur when entering into self-doubt until I feel I have integrated it completely. Nevertheless, I always find anger as an important part of emotional and somatic shifting.
“When the image is truly connected in certain people then the movement is authentic. There is no padding of movement just for the sake of moving. There is an ability to stand the inner tension until the next image moves them. They don’t simply dance around.”- Whitehouse, in Chodorow, 2004:29