[The practice was written at the moment it occurred. It is in present time.]
Approaching the end of my thesis, my stress levels reach a peak. My stomach is aching, I had not eaten properly in days, and I can barely feel my belly. It is entirely numb, or rather I am too numb to sense it. It is like a highly concentrated charged ball of energy. Adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormone) provide me with the energy to continue. This has to stop. I need to come back to my soma.
Tuning in, breathing, my belly starts to relax. I feel the pain of the contracted muscles right below the middle of my ribs. I wonder whether that is the psoas muscle connecting my ribs to the pelvis that had become so constricted my body feels folded inwards from all the sitting on the chair. I cannot find a place in myself. My head is full of frantic thoughts. Thought after thought about the project and all the things I have not completed yet.
I ask what the feeling underneath is. I acknowledge its fear from being seen, from failing, from all the pressure. All the doubts and impossibilities frighten my inner child. Incapable of admitting my feelings, I push myself further and further. The fear is so big it controls me. I struggle to contain it in my body while being conscious. It needs some form of expression. I know that is an emotional expression, not a physical one. Physically moving seems like a distraction from the inner world. It makes me leave my soma rather than connect me to it. That is because I am constantly moving, and that is where the stress originated from.
I am sitting down, breathing in my hara (my center/dantian). Right now, I am unable to feel a change. I become calmer, but I do not embody a feeling. Perhaps it needs more time. Perhaps it will relax after I finish with my final presentation. Right now, it seems impossible to yield further. And that is ok. I am not going anywhere. I am here to stay. Even if my body does not release the tension, I will remain for it. There is always the pressure of forcing myself to relax faster to move on to the next project task. That Is not true acceptance. The pressure originates from the fear itself. It resembles a never-ending stress-generating machine that drains all my energy. It is misleading because in a state of adrenaline, I am full of energy, and yet a part of me feels dead tired and overused. It lacks vitality, like a lifeless doll. Stress hormones do not nourish me with the way my soma needs.
Breathing in, I decide to allow my child to be the way it is, but I will also stay present to recognize it even after the practice. The feelings of stress will come to be embodied whenever they feel safe enough to do so. No pressure. Until then, I can only breathe, acknowledge everything that arises and be mindful that a part of me is missing.