There is a part of me that is very eager to finish work without allowing time for processing, it does not want to wait the emotional body, it is chasing its schedule. It feels very cold, repelling, unsatisfied, frustrated. It is completely by the book, tough, lifeless, dry, unbreakable boring. It doesn’t allow for anything new to come forth. Defends patriarchy at all costs. It is actually terrified underneath from being revealed in its truth. It has learned to hide every emotion at all costs as having emotions is life threatening.
I feel it in my chest, in front of the sternum. A hardened area in the middle like a shield. It activates when I feel threatened and I enter a defense mechanism. I become repelling, closed, rejecting. Blood is frozen, breath is superficial, belly is tense, teeth are clenched. The shield extends far to the front pushing people away and making sure what is behind the boundary is safe. The shield is so powerful no one can enter. It makes it impossible. It chases everybody away convincing me I don’t care about them or that I am not interested in building a relationship. It makes me unforgivable towards myself and others. I start judging and questioning every action I did and every feeling I have. No matter what they say, the fear is too big to let this loose. I am presumably guilty for my parents rebuking and I have to endure the torture of listening to the rant. Feelings of unworthiness, guilt, shame, fear about not being what I am supposed to be according to the. Now I have to make sure no one is disappointed in me and be what is expected. From now on I have to think ahead about what they want me to be and do it in the best possible way without shedding a tear. No one ever thought about my feelings, what impossible situations I was thrown into without any understanding and compassion, without no one ever asking what I wanted and how I experienced things. In their blindness they simply don’t even comprehend I experience things so deeply, that everything seems so scary and gigantic for my little being. They look from their insensitive adult position expecting I grasp the world through their eyes. How is a strongly emotional and irrational child supposed to fit in a firmly rational society completely alone and misunderstood. So I forced myself to become like them. To suppress, to be quiet, to perceive vulnerability as shameful and frantically hide every feeling that may escape. Being asked about my feelings became threatening. I started looking for other’s approval “Am I good enough at suppressing? Am I good enough in being perfect? Am I enough in doing everything for the patriarchy?” Yes, I finally fit in, what a reward. It was all so worth it… Never being myself ever again and fighting for my life when I have to be vulnerable.
Going back to the fear in the past, experiencing it in the present time, I feel the fear of my child being interrogated with unanswerable questions in a threatening, scary mean way. Being emotionally pressed into the corner I feel defenceless. I feel my heart beating, the rest of my body disappears from my consciousness, it is only my scared mind, the breath I hear through my nostrils and the beating heart. Blood is running, but it feels frozen, nervous system is panicking, but it feels as it’s stopped. The impulses from CNS to the body are suspended. There is a breakage in the link. The mind tries to say something to defend myself and yet, the soma is so frightened it cannot respond as its survival is at threat. It cannot allow itself to say anything, the fear is bigger. Bigger than the tears that struggle to come out. The thoughts cannot even be formed as thoughts, they are frantic undifferentiated emotions. This is the moment when the shield forms. To protect myself from the dagger that was too heavy for my chest to bear and let go through emotional expression, the shield started to solidify. Thousands of held impulses like particles of fire soot travelled to the centre of the chest solidifying in a hard, black block while losing their last spark. Creating a rock of burned feelings it stands strong and shatterproof. It expands to the whole body. From the centre towards the front of the arms, neck. Like trying to go through a whole sea wave only with my upper body without being pushed back. This requires a lot of strength at the expense of my tears, sacrificing the emotional expression of fear, helplessness, loneliness, sorrow, defencelessness and other. They are all forbidden and humiliating, a form of weakness that is not allowed. Having all those emotions and then having them forbidden, creates an explosive reaction in the soma – on one side the energy naturally wants to flow outwards and yet it met by an outside resistance. Two strong energies facing one another, tearing the being inside and yet not being able to let it out is detrimental and too immense for a child to handle. The only way out it shutting the system down. Only certain parts of the survival brain and nervous system can continue their work ensuring life would continue somehow. And yet, there is no more life anymore.
My consciousness can observe now how my child’s soul left its body. Only a small fraction of it remained to sustain life. The little me is gone. She is in a different time and dimension, somewhere far away from reality. Alone, lonely and scared, although she cannot perceive the fear as such. White fear, white sight, white everything. My sight is gone, I see nothing, I’m completely blind. I can’t see properly as I don’t see the reality. My eyes stopped perceiving from the inability to overcome this. Not seeing makes it safer. I also don’t hear properly. My ears are covered with a buffing layer. Makes it so much easier to live in silence, completely isolated from the world. I am not touched by what is being said, I cannot understand when someone is speaking something against me, I cannot differentiate what is good or not from the outside. It is all just plain flat and quiet. I also cannot differentiate how I feel about the world. I am gone. I simply don’t exist. This is a warm, safe and peaceful dissociation where nothing can disturb me. My mouth is forever closed (or for a very long time at least). The unsaid words, the unexpressed feelings and impulses are sealed inside with no way out. Even if there are small sparks from time to time, it is just impossible to overcome the enormous giant guarding the gate and reach the other side. The bridge to going out (the NS) is closed and there is no exit until I feel safe enough to face the giant and find a strength much deeper than I think I have. There is a force from accumulated sparks struggling to start a fire on their own. However, still disintegrated, they are too scattered to build a unit.
Entering the castle of sealed emotions, I allow my tears to come. Facing what is inside, seeing the ruins, witnessing the leftovers of another lifetime with so much lost in it. I can only stay there and soak in the image. What else can I do? I convince my child to allow herself to open up her eyes and see she is being witnessed, not judged, not threatened or questioned. The interrogation is long over and it only keeps repeating in her projected memories. She is seen with all the possible compassion I own in this moment. She is safe and not alone. She can have a companion to trust and share her sorrows. She can allow those tears to come and cleanse her wounds, wash away the hardened crust and reveal a new pink flesh underneath. A kilo or two of a black hardened block falls apart and sets me free. It is still quite vulnerable and sensitive to the outside temperature, light and touch, but although exposed it is definitely feeling liberated and relieved. The tears need to reach the core, to restore the trust in the being, to weld together what has disintegrated and bring a new life to it. The tears help me return the focus towards the inside through acceptance and compassion. They bring me back to my centre and shift my perception form the outside world to the inner reality. Then the vulnerable area in the chest can really heal and even if the shield comes back, it makes the pain bearable and easier to go through.
My consciousness anchors again and again through my feet “No one is allowed to judge my inner world, my shield, my vulnerability, my pace, my fears, or any other emotion!”. The more I do it and speak it through my Hara, the more I feel my soul coming back, emerging from the ashes. And I will continue to do it.
Yoana