The Passive-Aggressive Hurt Self: Personal Practice

This AM practice concerns a situation in which I encountered a wall of impossibilities in the process of completing my thesis. My ego-mind wanted something to be completed in a certain way, and its fear it won’t occur generated anxiety and discontent within my soma. The following text describes my experience:

My rational mind wants everything to happen immediately, creating distress in the entire soma. It has no patience, no trust in the unconscious, making the front part of my body tense, including chest, belly, and womb area. Cortisol (stress hormone) and adrenaline activate me in a state of aggressive anxiety. As if forcing things would help. This is an aggressive, rather masculine impetus to achieve something, but I hit a wall. A life situation has created a hindrance preventing me from reaching a destination the way I want it. 

My body refuses to respond to this pressuring. A blockage in my head (more specifically, my third eye) accumulates at the surface of my forehead, where the fight is occurring. My head is trying forcefully to penetrate the wall. The energy is so concentrated I feel a unicorn horn piercing through the skull. The defense mechanism (ego) refuses to admit its defeat. A lack of sensation in the soma frightens me. I realize I am unable to perceive intuitively and instinctively. As if I have lost all of my most reliable abilities. I lost myself along with the struggle. Great confusion and fear dazzle my mind. A white flash blinds me. I am blind without my somatic and psychic perceptions. Standing still, I am unable to move, or perhaps I am not aware of any movements. 

How should I return? What would I feel if I stop grappling? I need to start looking for myself again.

I stop and return to my soma. I let go for a moment loosening up the rigid point of perception. I have wasted so much time on battling. A second of breath cannot aggravate the issue. Stepping out of the “frustrated” shoes, I perceive my feet. My soma seems calm and stable, quite the opposite of my fearful mind. Taking a break, I go back to the nervous sensation to acknowledge what the unconscious attempts to convey to my consciousness. It declares: “you are going to give me what I want, the way I want it! NOW!” with a nuance of accusation it has not received it yet. 

I remember I had the same frustration towards my soma or inner child. I have accused it before; it does not provide me with the answers I demand. That voice spoke: “I will fail because you don’t want to cooperate! You will be to blame! You did this to me!”. This can be interpreted as: “You humiliated me by preventing me from accomplishing my sick ambitions, and now I am failing in front of the society!”. The truth is, I will fail because I treat my body that way. As Greene (2001) named it: 

“It [the body] remains a “doubtful friend” in a way it betrays our rational intentions and embarrasses us with unwanted affect and unpredictable behaviours. “

Greene, 2001:568 

The body has limits. It is not a machine and requires proper recovery before continuing forward. There is a surging emotion impeding the natural flow of life, and as a result, a wall is encountered. I cannot continue forward without addressing it. However, the mind has other plans discarding the internal turbulence. 

Arriving back to the present, I face the wall again. I need to stop, or my head will explode. I cannot force anything when it obviously does not work. I, as my conscious Self, can put an end to this standing behind the inner child. An awakened lively feeling allows me to differentiate from that voice, helping me realize that the fear (that the situation cannot be fixed) creates unnecessary stress within my body. Forcing to be accepted by another, it refuses to embrace it is rejected. It cannot happen its way. That very fight and lack of recognition blinded me. 

The ego uses my body as a container and acts on my behalf, pressuring both the situation and my soma. It forces me to jump out of myself to achieve its unrealistic goals. It tries to push me to lose contact from the back of my body that provides me with safety and tranquillity. Fear from the past produces all this affliction. Time has come to part ways with the fear and stop believing it. I feel my legs and hara (dantian). I feel my back. I breathe. Cortisol levels drop. Psyche and soma are brought back to the present. 

I am the one who needs to accept my emotional and physical impossibilities. I have to admit I am unwanted and return to myself to look for another respectful way of achieving things. I need to trust my unconscious it will take me to the right destination without knowing how. 

Experience of relief in the heart surfaces from differentiating and understanding the emotion. A sensation of a more integrated Self making me feel complete. My soma feels liberated. I proceed to free-flowing movement taking time to integrate and embody the new feeling. 

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