This is a participant whom I have known all my life and with whom I have had weekly sessions since the end of 2020. This practice focused on her sensations of lack of self-worth in her workspace. It describes the fear of failure, which is rooted in childhood trauma. It shows how a vulnerable child can start seeking revenge or becoming a victim (Kalsched, 2015).
The session began with a conversation about the sensation previously referred to as a “blinding flash”. It is a somatic state in which one is numb and is unable to perceive their bodily or emotional sensations. The body feels to be in a state of shock. She decides this is what she wants to explore.
Standing straight, the participant starts tuning in to her soma. I guide her through breathing and scanning the body. After she connected more to herself, she described the “flash” as two blockages: one at a hand distance in front of her forehead, as if something has covered her sight, and one close to her belly. These were two points that she perceived through her imagination and physical sensation. That is an internal image of an obstruction containing unacknowledged unconscious material. When sitting, they merge, but when standing, they separate. However, there is an emotion underneath them (Kalsched, 2015).
Continuing her exploration, her body folded. A lack of spine strength, as she named it, made her go down squatting in a completely folded position like a child: “It is like my inner child is frozen and standing on her toes”. The young woman stood up while stepping from one leg to the other and turning her head from side to side. The archetype she was embodying seemed blind and not in the present moment. However, she was entirely conscious of her actions. Finding words to voice it, she shared: “I am afraid of failing. I am terrified that I have to know things before anyone even told me. What if I don’t get it? What if they think I am stupid? What should I do! Just tell me what to do! I give up on myself! I give up what I see! I give up what I like! I give up saying anything! I want to make it right! Let me make it right! I want to make them happy! I want to make it easier for them!”.
Words naming sensations do not always make sense, as they arise directly from the unconscious without being rationalized. They express the inner child that had previously experienced the same feeling (Chodorow, 2004). Tuning into the body, she connected to the emotional content. After naming it, tears started to flow. They cleansed the soma from the fear and opened space for something new to come. I, as the witness, felt in my heart the moment that happened.
However, after that moving scene, her attitude suddenly changed. Although still crying, she started saying: “I am sick of pleasing people! I Do not want to do it! I don’t want to foresee you! I am going to close myself, and I am not going to feel anything! You will see! You will see when I stop feeling! I will revenge on you by closing myself! Isn’t there anyone to see or hear me when I’m talking?!”
As someone who has been in the process of self-transformation for years, she can convey the hurt part of herself directly and remain conscious about it. I could easily observe how she demonstrated what happened to her inner child. She had closed herself to the world from feeling afraid of failing and being rejected because of it (Kalsched, 2015). Her child began wanting to revenge in the hopes she will be finally seen and heard. She wanted to be acknowledged for how her pain in a passive-aggressive manner. There was a sensation that someone else owes her to restore what she had lost (Kalsched, 2015). That is a form of self-revenge similar to: “I will revenge on my feelings until someone else decides to provide me with what I want. Until then, I will remain a demanding-attention victim”.
In my personal experience previously, when I was angry, things in my life were not happening the way I desired; I went through a similar occurrence. My ego wanted a situation to occur in a certain way. Hurt from not being acknowledged in the past, my child had converted into a passive aggressive state where it refuses to change, but insists on the other person (in the situation) to change for me. A child archetype had taken over my adult self. “I am not leaving until you accept me and please my wishes.” A rather arrogant attitude…
In reality, I had to stop and admit the fact I had been refused what I wanted. And I was not being accepted that way. In order to be integrated, one has to remain in the vulnerability rather than to react from their hurt ego-self (Kalsched, 2015).
Likewise, the participant never received what her child desired. After embodying the “victim” entirely through acting it out, our dialogue crystalized how the pattern of the traumatized child works to become even more aware of it.
Participant’s Reflection
Starting the session with a casual conversation about the events and emotions of the days prior and leading up to the session helped me focus and zone in on the current topic that my being desired to explore.
Having a safe space to explore, connect to and express the constipated energy from the current [life] situation allowed me to journey through the layers of the internal defense mechanism, expressing every layer from drawing a blank to a plea for acceptance, rejection of others, because I’m hurt, to a plea to be seen, and finally reaching the source of the injury.
The session helped me reach forgotten memories of my parents and relatives asking me to be ‘their happiness.’ Taking this request exceptionally seriously, my child-self had dedicated my child’s and currently my adult life to pleasing others. During the session, I realized this led to my constant state of feeling hollow, empty, stupid as if I have nothing more left to give, and a sense of having an ice block in my chest. A sense of weight and pressure within the heart has hardened with the years.
Yoana helped me connect to the source of my pain by allowing me to express all the affliction and suffering, giving me space to cry it out, and then guiding me back to my conscious Self. Through acknowledging and admitting to it, I was then able to start connecting to my anger and differentiation that I was hurt, but I was not the pain itself. Together we were able to shed light on the models that had formed around this injustice through the years and were able to start making it thaw slowly.
Looking back in retrospect, the biggest changes that happened for me were not in the session itself but the weeks after. Melting the ice cube, I’ve been carrying in my heart for years, had started to thaw, and I was able to start connecting to my inner, true center of personality. I’ve been more and more able to speak my mind. Melting that ice cube has made me more sensitive and conscious about the pain and heat I feel in my chest when I try to suppress an opinion or an observation. It has made me more prone to speaking my truth. I have started to recognize and connect to my gut instinct more, being able to acknowledge its voice and differentiate it from the voice of my conditioned mind that only knows how to rationalize.
I have started noticing that my truth has begun to bypass the walls I have built over the years to keep it in. My true reactions and Self are starting to shine through, to slip out of my mouth before I even have a chance to think, and that makes me incredibly happy. In the weeks after my session, my reactions have become more sincere, more genuine, and more truthful. I have started to really love and cherish the person who is starting to show through.
For me, the experience was cathartic on many levels. What makes me happiest are the little changes that occur in the time after my sessions. They are sometimes barely noticeable if I’m not looking for them and simultaneously incredibly impactful in improving my quality of life on every level.